Tinky's Sad Confession

by Steve Rider

Back to my Home Page	OK, OK, I admit it, alright?
	He threw his red purse down on my desk so hard that I thought for a second that I might be in some kind of danger.
	I had no personal investment in this story, no animosity against the gays, or queers, or whatever they like to be called these days. I'm just a reporter covering a story. He was glowing bright purple, the gay color, and the triangle shape of his antenna only emphasized the effeminate nature of his mannerisms.
	I guess there is no more use in denying it, huh?
	I work for the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin, and my assignment was to check up on the stories circulating about a children's television character named Tinky Winky. The rest of the local press corps had not heard he was in town. Here I was, getting my first scoop of the year, and it looked like it was going to be a good one.
	It was the toaster oven, you know?
	A toaster Tinky?
	No, not a toaster, a toaster oven, you know -- like GE or something, with the glass door in the front. We were poor when I was a kid, very poor. I used to get my school clothes from the dumpster behind Woolworths.
Back to Satire	Look Tinky, I'm sorry you were poor, lots of us have had it hard. I grew up here in Philly. But I still don't get the connection between toaster ovens, poverty, and subverting little kids. I mean toddlers. These are little tiny kids that watch your show. Why do you do it, Tinky? Why do you try so hard to turn the children Queer?
	You know who Ellen is, right?
	Do you mean Ellen DeGeneres, the TV personality?
	Yes! Exactly. She's the leader, you know?
	Leader? What kind of a leader, a gay leader Tinky?
	Right, now you're getting it. Ellen is the official leader of the gay movement in the United States. Heck in the whole world. She is, like, the Pope-ette of the Gay Rights Movement.
	OK, I'm with you now. Did Ellen tell you that you should be recruiting children on TV?
	Right, if I want the toaster oven, that is.
New! It's the Fagnits Store	So, you are saying that it is Ellen who is really the mastermind behind the Teletubbies. Right?
	Yes, exactly. Have you ever looked very closely at the TV screens in our bellies? It's all Ellen reruns you know. Especially the one with the kiss. That one is Po's fave, man. He digs it.
	You mean the other Teletubbies are in on this too?
	Well, sure, the show is on PBS, right?
	Whoah! Wait a minute here Mister Tinky Winky, or whatever you call yourself. What are you saying about the Public Broadcasting System? Are you trying to suggest that *everybody* who works for PBS is part of the Homosexual Agenda?
	Well, when was the last time you saw a football game on PBS?
	I had to admit it, he had me there!

New! It's the Fagnits Store