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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World |  | Author: Alan Downs
Publisher: Da Capo Press
Category: eBooks
This item is no longer available
Rating:  reviews
Format: Kindle Book
Media: Kindle Edition
Pages: 224
Number Of Items: 1
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.76620973
ASIN: B0014XQHFE
Publication Date: May 24, 2005
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| Editorial Reviews:
Product Description
A gay psychologist demonstrates how to heal the trauma of being a gay man in an uncompromisingly straight world Whether he is flamboyantly fashionable with a body chiseled to perfection or chronically dissatisfied and without lasting relationships, the stereotypical extremes of male gay behavior are fueled by the same dark force: shame. The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight man's world, the experience of shame in childhood and adolescence sends a boy the message that he is other and that he is worthless. To avoid feeling shameful later in life-and even after he is no longer explicitly shamed by his sexuality-a gay man will quietly rage against the memory of this message and strive to excel dramatically to prove it wrong. The stereotypical manifestation of this inner battle is a gay man's success in the arts, fashion and in his body image; as with all the other forms of beauty, creativity and success, he is hiding behind the facades he creates. Building on the collected psychological research and the author's own experience of the past twenty years, The Velvet Rage will help gay men profoundly understand their dichotomous extremes. Explaining the psychological underpinnings of the forces at play in their lives, it also offers helpful strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and rage. Empowering and validating, The Velvet Rage will influence the public discourse on gay culture and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.
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| Customer Reviews:
 The velvet rage August 9, 2010
Claudia
It is interesting how it described the emotional struggling of gay men.
It is also, very usuful for therapists that are not gay, but work with gay men.
 Insightful read for a gay audience July 30, 2010
TB (Chicago, IL)
This book has a number of flaws, but it's a fantastic read for most gay males. The book is a rather depressing and honest look at how many gays can lead an unexamined life of self-filling misery, validation, shame avoidance, and entitlement that begins with shame from their childhood. Yet, despite that gay males participate in this spiral of shame avoidance, they rile against it and claim to be above it.
I doubted the main thesis of the book, but the author quickly proves much of it. As a 30 year old gay male with some life experiences under his belt, I saw parts of it in myself. And, I see much of the book's lessons in my friends or my previous relationship. This is especially a great book for someone who has been unceremoniously dumped from what they thought was a good, functioning, growing relationship. Or, it's a great book for someone who was cheated on while in a good relationship. You shouldn't necessarily take the blame and this book tells you why.
I don't think I would recommend anyone who is not sure about their sexuality to read the entire book. Likewise, I would have a hard time having a family member read it unless I guided them through some of it with discussions. It truly is an honest, difficult look at the development of many gay males and their behaviors.
My one gripe with the book was that the last section on authenticity and honesty was too negative and not constructive enough. It almost makes it sound like this stage of life can only be achieved through a life of hard knocks. The book lays the ground work for getting to authenticity by facing your shame, taking responsibility for your actions, being completely honest, and self-examining oneself completely. However, the book presents very few cases of gay relationships where both men are truly authentic to themselves, their partners, and everyone else.
Overall, a great read for any gay male that is ready to self-examine his development, behaviors, relationships, and life direction in an honest manner.
 Can be inspirtational at times but also discouraging June 5, 2010
Ross (Rockland County, New York)
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
This book was helpful in some ways, I'm going to continue to look for other gay literature out there. I recently came out a year ago, and agreed with many aspects of this book. However, I found practically the first half of the book to be extremely cynical, pessimistic, and discouraging. I understand that most of this book was coming from the author's perspective, and his experience with treating his patients. But I felt most of the patient's stories to be quite depressing honestly. I guess in some ways it was good to realize other people's struggles with their sexuality, but a lot of the book was simplified in almost like bullet-form of ways to get better, almost as a homework assignment or study guide in trying to live a better life. I believe we can learn from our experiences and some of the points the author makes were just kind of common sense, even though most people don't follow it. Maybe there should have been more 'hopeful' stories included in the book, sometimes I felt myself looking at the gay culture in a very negative way. But some parts were interesting, it was a quick read and worth a try I guess...
A victimized childhood need not ruin one's life with the information in this book February 21, 2010
toothygrin (San Francisco, CA USA)
The ideas here are excellent and this book is a real find. I strongly recommend it!
Previous reviewers have already explained the author's thesis: Shame implanted in us as young gays goes on to taint our adult lives and relationships. The work examines and describes the arc of this situation. Later, Downs recommends actions to negate the maladaptive behavior that alienates us from others and ourselves.
As with many nonfiction publications, there is a certain amount of not-strictly-necessary text, e.g. boxed quotations from the author's clients exemplifying particular dysfunctional behaviors identified in the chapters. Some of the copy is repetitive. These aren't serious issues. The writer's voice is sincere and believable.
Superb, Insightful Volume February 11, 2010
Richard Frankenstein (Santa Ana, CA, US)
This insightful, superbly written book shares the author's personal and professional experience with the challenges of growing up and living in a complex world. Truly a "page turner" which could not be put down! Recommended most highly.
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