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It was a very unusual week, that's for sure. A very busy week for me. I expected to be exhausted by the end of the week but I had no idea I'd be meeting this guy, a very special guy, my dream date. Monday night I had dinner with two friends, BBS friends. One of the guys I had never met before, we had exchanged messages quite a few times on the boards. The other guy I already knew, we had spent an evening together, talking about ex-wives, our kids, and Coming Out. It was a very pleasant evening Monday, I had a great time. I drove home and chatted with a kid on my board, a very unhappy kid, I've been trying to help him have peace in his life. He's in torment. He's a really good kid. He might be gay. Tuesday night was dinner again, with a twenty year old kid from another BBS. I had met him a few weeks before at a coffee gathering. I knew at a glance that he was a really neat guy, very emotional, very sincere. He wanted to talk to me, pour his heart out, get some feedback. We talked until late, I think he'll be fine. He's in love with somebody, but he does not know how the other guy feels. He's a sweet, tender young man. He is vulnerable. Wednesday night was my second meeting of P-FLAG, a group I just joined, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I already know that P-FLAG is going to play a major role in shaping the rest of my life. I can feel it. I came home from the meeting all mixed up inside, like before, it got me to think about things I had buried a long time ago. It put me in touch with myself. I love P-FLAG. Thursday night was supposed to be the easy night, home early and catch up on sleep. I went to the Billy DeFrank Center for volunteer training. I had decided to make a contribution to the community, to put something back, to help other gay people too. It was a part of my new plan, my new agenda for myself. Get out more, meet quality people, give myself a chance to find someone who wanted more than just sex. It was supposed to be just a short meeting, over by 8:30, but something happened that I was not expecting, something wonderful, I met a guy. The meeting was to be held in the lobby. I was sitting on the couch just waiting. I was content, relaxed, a little bit tired, but I felt fine. Then this guy walked in and I was just amazed. He looked so much like my exboyfriend back East, Brian, it was incredible. Maybe he did not look like him as much as he reminded me of him. Maybe it was both. But I looked at him and I flashed on Brian and it felt really good for a second. Then I looked at him again, and I saw something I really liked, and I knew he was someone very special. I could tell he was a whole person, complete in himself, proud of being gay, happy. I could see all of this in just two seconds. I thought he was 22 maybe, maybe 25. I remember thinking that I knew that I liked him, but feeling I was too old for him. Everyone sat down, and the moderator started the meeting. He passed out name tags and once we all had them on I looked over at this guy and his tag said Brian. I felt sure I was having a dream. I kept looking at him whenever I could. He must have noticed. I may have been staring a little bit too. Brian, this Brian, he is one of those guys who just barely seems gay. I could tell. If I had walked past him on a street somewhere I would have known. He sounds gay too. I like that about him. We had a tour of the center, an explanation of all that goes on there. It was all redundant for me. I go there all the time. I try to get the kids on my board to go there. I'm a member. I'm a member of other groups that go there. During the tour I was paying attention. But it was partly divided attention. I kept being drawn back to Brian. He is very cute, like the Brian back East, but I knew it was more than just that, I knew it for certain. I was drawn to this guy like a moth is to flame, it was almost overpowering. I tried to avoid standing near him, it was just too strong, I could not understand why this was happening but I knew that I liked it. At the beginning of the orientation, just after we all put on the name tags, we took turns introducing ourselves to the group. Brian had almost the last turn to speak. I was amazed at what he said and how he said it. He was political, like I am. He was OUT, like I am. He was militant, like I am. He was clearly intelligent too. The thought that this must be a dream passed through my head again. We were back seated in the lobby again, wrapping it up. There were cookies and I was hitting them pretty hard. I had not had dinner yet. We were each given sheets to fill out, details on ourselves, what we were interested in doing, what our skills were. I went into verbose mode and started writing on the back of the form too. Switchboard duty - I have experience, youth groups - I care, miscellaneous - I can stack chairs, computer maintenance - I'm a nerd. Finally I was done. I handed my form back in, there were a few final words, and then the meeting was over. I got up to leave and I looked at Brian again, and I knew that I had to speak to him, I had to reach out, I wanted to get to know him so badly. He was just reaching for a cookie. They were Oreo clones. I reached into my jacket pocket and took out a diskette with all of my stories as text files.
"Brian"
"Oh hi Steve"
"Do you have a computer ?"
"No, I don't"
"Oh, what a shame, I was going to give you a copy of my
stories"
"Oh, you write ? What sort of stuff?"
"It's all gay things, some essays, some fiction, some stories
from my own life. Some of it is erotic stuff."
"I'd love to see some of it sometime..."
"Listen, would you like to stand outside and talk for a
while ? That way I could have a cigarette."
"Sure, let's go."
I was instantly happy. He wanted to talk to me. He was
friendly. He smiled. We stood outside for 45 minutes talking.
Everybody else, as they left, smiled at us in a knowing way. We
really hit it off. It was an amazing conversation. He had just
moved here from Maryland two weeks ago. His company transferred
him. It turns out he is not in his twenties at all, he is thirty.
He was married once like I was. He was raised as a Catholic like I
was. He was in the closet for a long time like I was. He thought
being gay would go away like I did. He is political, very political.
He is active in the community. He likes to help young gay people
who are coming out. We agreed about everything we talked about.
He seemed so honest, so sincere, so tremendously likable. The more
we talked the more my interest in getting to know him grew.
I have never in my entire life hit it off so well, so quickly, with anyone. I felt like we were long lost family being reunited. I felt a sense of kindred spirits, of deep admiration, of mutual respect. I knew beyond a doubt that this night, this guy, this conversation were all being recorded in a permanent part of my memory. It felt like something very big was just beginning, like something I had needed for a long time was being held up in front of my face, to see if I could recognize it. I knew that if nothing else happened, I was talking to a guy I wanted to have as my friend. I looked at my watch and it was 9:15. I figured he must have better things to do than just talk to me all night. So we exchanged phone numbers, and we agreed to talk more again sometime, and we walked to the parking lot and shared a hug together. Just a hug, just one, it was marvelous. I could not get my mind off him. All the way home my van was running better, my music was more musical than it had ever been before. I got home and my sister had called, I called her back right away and told her about my evening. She was happy for me that I had made a new friend. She could hear the excitement in my voice. That night I had a dream about Brian. We were walking down Castro Street in The City. We were holding hands. The sun was shining and we were both very happy, and I stopped him, threw my arms around him, and held my face next to his. People just walked right on by us, they ignored us, then we stopped and I looked at him and said "Thank You". I woke up in a very good mood. I usually do anyway, but this was a VERY good mood. He has a lover back East, he told me about him. They do not know what they are going to do. It might end. He might move here. It's all very up in the air. I hope he makes a decision that is good for him, whatever he needs, however he wants it. I'll wait and see. In the meantime we can try to develop a friendship. I'm sure that Brian would like that, I'm sure I will too. They had no service calls for me to do on Friday. I wanted to print out some of my stories for Brian, but my laser printer was out of toner. I had been meaning to track down a place to get one, so I called Atari Corporation, it's a local call, about a mile. They referred me to a store, I ran over there, and printed a bunch of my stories for him. I usually make people download them, but he has no computer. I called him Friday night. We talked on the phone for three hours. He obviously wants to get to know me better. He told me that he felt drawn to me on Thursday night at the Center, that I had a powerful Karma. It's amazing, it's fantastic. It could be a major event in my life. He is to call me tonight, Saturday, so we can make plans for tommorrow. He had to work today. He has a business trip next week. Then his boyfriend is coming to visit the week of Thanksgiving. He wants me to come to dinner. He wants to introduce me. That could be strange I guess, but anyone Brian would love must be a really great person, Brian sure is. I'm so very glad that I met him.
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