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It had only been a few weeks since I had sworn off lovers
for all time. I was tired of giving without ever seeming to get.
I was disillusioned with the idea of love. I wanted nothing to do
with any fuck buddy, boyfriend, lover or husband. I just wanted
cheap and nearly anonymous sex. And the last thing I wanted was to
be stood up again through another BBS flirtation. I was not in a
mood to take chances, or risk more rejection.
There was this guy I had been chatting with on a BBS. He said he wanted to meet me. Lots of people tell lots of people they want to meet them. I declined to be impressed. I refused to set myself up to be stood up again. So I told him I'd be at a certain bar, at a certain time, and if he really wanted to meet me he could show up there too. As it turns out, he did. He was not the cutest guy I had ever seen. He did not have a perfect body. I could easily look at him with no fear of an instant erection. There was something else though, a twinkle in his eyes, a smile designed just for his face, his eyes darted quickly from face to face in his hunger to take it all in. I was intrigued but still very far from being moved. He sat down next to me, my friends sensed the situation and gave us space. A pitcher of proletarian Budweiser slowly got emptier as we introduced our lives to each other. His lack of absolute cuteness was a mark in his favor. He had no reason to hurl attitude at me. But beyond that, very quickly, I sensed a sensitivity in this man. His smile was unabashed and intriguing. He talked about feelings and life experience. He talked in glowing terms of people that he knew. I sensed no bitterness in him at all, no desire to get even with anyone. He spoke only of things he liked in other people. He was obviously a very nice man.
Liberation
Liberate me
Liberation
Liberate
-- Pet Shop Boys
Bit by bit, little by little, he wore down my resistance. He made me forget my fear of vulnerability. Then, at just the most pregnant moment, he said goodnight and gave me a hug. I was left with a strong impression, just as single as I had arrived. On my way home that night, music blasting on the cassette deck, I smiled and thought he was an unusual man. Weeks passed, months went by. We saw each other again, and did the sort of things that gay men do, but he continued to be a special case. So intense, so honest, wanting only to feel connected. Gradually, I came to think of him more often. The realization of this fact crept up on me slowly. One Friday night my phone rang.
"Hello ?"
"Hi, Steve ?"
"Yes..."
"This is Nick."
"Hi Nick! How are you ?"
"Fine thanks, listen, I know this is short notice, but I'm
wondering, do you have any plans tommorrow ? I'm thinking
of going to the beach."
"The beach ? Which beach ? Do you mean San Gregorio ?"
"Yes, I've never been there."
"I've never been there either, Nick, that sounds fascinating.
Tell you what, can you call me tommorrow around 11?"
"Sure thing, I'll do that."
He did call me on Saturday, and we arranged for him to pick me up. I was surprised to see him pull up in a little sports car. I'd only seen his sedan in the past. I was ready, white shorts, very short, Tshirt with a huge pink triangle, and my jacket since the weather here might not be like the weather at the beach. We hopped in his little car and off we went, I had no idea what to expect, but I felt confident it would be a nice day.
Free yourself
Won't you
Free yourself
Free yourself
Won't you
Free yourself
-- Pet Shop Boys
We talked incessantly, as we always do, through the mountains. As we crossed the top I saw the fog blanketing the shore, but somehow it did not matter. I talked about being Queer, about annoying narrow minded people and not regretting it. He laughed and protested his amazement at my crazy ways. We were bonding, really relaxing, with our sunglasses on and sexual tension in the air. We started down towards the gray haze that concealed the Pacific Ocean. I felt my body and mind synchronize, submitting to his boyish charm. I was interested. I wanted this day to happen.
"It's a nude beach, you know, Steve."
"Yes, so I've heard."
"Are you going to have a problem with that ?"
"I don't know, we'll see."
The sexual tension increased as our altitude decreased. We finally reached the point where California 84 ends at route 1, the coastal highway. He was not in control of the situation, neither was I, we were sparring for who would give in first. We turned right, just a few hundred feet, smell of brine in the air, the dirt road that leads to the gay beach was right there, it had to be the place, we both agreed. A long winding way to the cliff above the beach. Greeted by a man who seemed to live in his pickup truck at the end of the road. Four dollars to park, two of Nick's, two of mine. A canned sermon about rules.
"... bring out what you bring in...
... and because this is a public beach, no sexual activity
is allowed..."
We listened. We smiled. We hiked down the path to the border of sand and ocean. Seagulls chirping, wild flowers in bloom. My eyes on his body as we walked. I had white shorts on, a sign of my beach virginity, so did he. At the bottom there was sand, a cold breeze, roaring sound of breakers breaking, sense of magic in the air. There were these structures, strange things, built up of driftwood, rough circles, a break to the wind and a primitive bit of privacy. Each was maybe three feet high at it's highest point, toward the ocean, and tapered down to a gap on the side toward the continent, a place to easily enter. They are called "cabins" I later learned, we decided to seek out one of our own. We started walking North, ocean on our left, cliffs on the right, very few people in sight. It was the first weekend of April, still quite wintery at the beach. I buttoned up my denim jacket with the rainbow flag on the pocket. The bare, nearly hairless skin of my legs felt the chill of the winters accumulation of cold. Pure grey overhead, unmitigated clouds, fog at an altitude above ours. Birds, many birds, always at the edge of an ocean. Bits of shells on the shore, broken up, crustacean lives long ago lost. A testimony to mortality. Homosexuals. Homosexual beach. I hate that word, I'm a Queer, personally. Sand creeping into my Reeboks as we walked. Off in the distance, tall thin man, darkish hair, hint of possibly cute, someone else with him, they disappear into one of the driftwood cabins. We decide not to go that far. In the pocket of my denim jacket with the rainbow flag patch there are condoms and lube, just in case. A wave tries to reach us, we are too far up the beach, as if the ocean knew we were there, as if it knew why, as if we did. As if the universe cared. We found our place. It was close to the cliffs, not near the ocean at all, but still within the mighty reach of it's roar. White noise, echoes from the cliffs, seagulls. I was already overwhelmed before I turned and I saw him, standing in our little retreat, his eyes right on me now, such a powerful stare. I felt like a girly-boy, it was fine. The driftwood that made up the cabin was piled up high. Once we spread our blanket we would be low and out of view from the actual beach. We spread that blanket. We stood up. I saw him staring at my crotch, and my hands went to my hips, to the elastic band on my white nylon shorts. His eyes followed my hands. He watched as I untied the drawstring. His eyes on my legs and my crotch. Nobody close, my eyes either side, my shorts drop down to my feet. He looks at me, in just my underwear now, says approvingly "Oh My, what do we have here?" He has me, right wherever he might want me, but I've not said that to him. He has me, pulling my pants down just for him, nearly nudity, my erection, soon to be the very nakedness of me. He has fantasies I want to help him fulfill. I am putty, he knows it, he uses none of it against me, he is kind, compassionate and nice. I want him and I want to be his. My thumbs slide under the elastic band of my underwear. Fingers twirling, big show for him, I pull the band down on either side sharply, hooking my erection on the front, sharpening it for his view. I pull tight. The ocean continues to roar, birds soaring overhead. His eyes are glued to my crotch. He smiles as our eyes lock for a second, six feet apart, driftwood cabin, strange beach, our first time here. After pausing for just a few deliberate seconds, looking to see if no tourists are in sight, I pull out and down, my manhood pops out for his view.
"Oh my Steve, that looks very nice." I push everything down, white shorts, grey undies, all down resting atop my Reeboks. My eyes are locked on his crotch as he goes for his shorts. It was our first time getting undressed in daylight, our first time on this beach, our first time stripping at the beach. He was as hard as a rock, his white jockey shorts bulging further than they ought to be able to stretch. I walked over to him and took his manhood in my hand, through the soft white cotton, his stiffness, I squeezed lightly. I french kissed him. I sat down abruptly and started taking my sneakers off. I piled all my things on the driftwood inner frame of our little "cabin". He sat down next to me and very methodically placed his things on the driftwood frame, on what had become his side of our little space on the beach. We worked quickly, keeping our clothes off the sand, getting completely naked. Just as I put up my Tshirt his hand was on my shoulder, pulling me, urging me to turn toward him, pulling me around to meet his face, his lips. His tongue was suddenly in my mouth. His hand, rubbing around on the naked skin of my back, pulls me in, closer, my shoulder touching his chest. My head is turned at one angle, and his at another, our noses flap like the wings of a bird as our lips slide back and forth across each other. Overhead real birds sing and dance in the fury of the air as land runs into the ocean. The driftwood breaks the cool breeze for us, giving us a quiet pocket of air warmed a little by the sun's feeble attempt to burn through the fog. We sat half facing each other, kissing, tongue playing, we both were quite erect. I got uncomfortable, sitting half twisted, I started to lay back and down on to the beach blanket. I pulled him down with me. The bright spot in the fog passed behind his head. First my back, then my shoulder blades, my shoulders, my head felt the firmness of the sand beneath the blanket as his pressure pushed them all down. I was looking up at the sky, past the outline of the birds, past the shadow of his face. I could see his smile, so warm, so inviting. I felt my shoulder blades resting in little depressions in the sand. Beneath me was Mother Earth and above me a man I wanted to kiss. I have this problem about falling in love. I do it much more often than most people do, and folks sometimes think I shouldn't. I had recently come to think they are right. So I had developed this new attitude toward the idea of faling in love, and relationships. It was, like, who needs it ? So I had gone to the beach with Nick perfectly content with the idea of having a good time with a very nice man. That was all I intended to see happen. I was not shopping for a lover, hot was fine, heavy was not. But there was something about Nick today, some special quality he has, as his face passed into my vision, as I was laying down on that beach blanket so my shoulder blades could shape themselves into the sand, I looked at him again. I just let go, let go completely. I gave up all of my resistance. Something must have flashed across my face, his smile got so much broader. His face, whiskers, all over me, his tongue deep in my mouth again. It was the purest ecstasy I have ever known, just Nick and I, alone and naked on the beach. I felt like I had lived my whole life for that moment. Queer music started playing in my head.
If I'd had my way
This would've happened much sooner
But until that day
It was only a rumor
All at once
You changed my life
And led me in
To paradise
Where I had to do
What I wanted to
I react when I hear people ask
Was it worth it ?
Yes!
It's worth living for
Was it worth it ?
Yes!
It's worth giving more
--Pet Shop Boys
All over me, now the weight of his chest on me, skin against skin, song of seagulls, ocean waves, warmth inside and out. I reach up and wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer, more of his skin against more of mine. A long, long sigh of deep satisfaction. Every cell in my body tingling. Time stopped.
You know life
Is an impossible scheme
And love
An imperceptible dream
Relax
Relax
You might find ecstasy
Relax
-- Pet Shop Boys
All my reservations melted away. I wanted to be right there, with Nick, just the way I was, just with him. I yielded. The muscles in my back all relaxed as I pulled him down closer, on top of me, his weight on me. I wanted exactly what was going to happen. The sand beneath the blanket now felt sculpted, designed to fit my back, just now, now, exactly now. He broke away from my face and started kissing my neck. I rolled my head back, pressing against the terrycloth beach blanket and the sand beneath it. Now my collar bone, the shallow spot between my tits, sucking one of my tits now. My erection. I was his, absolutely, totally his. Now my other tit. He could do anything he wanted with me. Breathing much faster. I think I moaned out loud. I was in heaven. I was dreaming wide awake. All my caution now was gone. I wanted to stay on that beach with him forever. His mouth slid from my tit to my belly, my hairless little girly-boy belly. I was bouncing. My body was heaving up and down of it's own accord. I kept calling out his name. He shifted his body around so he could move another hand in towards my body. Warm, wet, hard. Sand, wind, seagulls, sunglasses, blanket, ocean sounds, salt air, Nick! Things happened, lots of things happened. Things happened for hours. A few times people walked by, and some stared at us, making love, naked on a cool gray beach. Three hours went by, both of us naked, constantly touching, kissing, making sweet soft little sounds. So much smiling, so terribly close. We stopped now and then for a drink of the water Nick brought, or a snack. Then we were right back in each other's arms again. Making love as if the Universe were about to end. He was laying on top of me, we were belly to belly, when I just started crying. Before I even knew what was happening I was sighing and heaving and crying out loud. Short little breaths snapping at my ribs, Nick bouncing on top of me. I was amazed, it was like a sudden thunderstorm on the Florida coast, so fast and no warning at all. All my sadness came rushing out of me, all my disappointments no longer mattered, nothing was wrong, absolutely nothing was wrong. My tears were happy, not sad, it was like reaching Nirvana, naked, on the beach, Nick smiling at me, telling me to let it go, so warm, such a sweet man. Tears of joy. Hugging. Hugging him, getting him as close as I can, as much of his skin against mine as I possibly can. Smiling, tears are gone now, just smiling.
"Are you OK?" And that is the way that it was, that day with Nick on the beach. In the days, weeks and months that were to follow we saw quite a bit of each other. And every day with Nick was another day at the beach for me.
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